Movement
I made it to the gym 5 times this week! I feel great. Creating a healthy relationship with exercise is something I've struggled with all my life. I was an unathletic and uncoordinated kid, constantly afraid of embarrassing myself in gym class — through my clumsiness, slowness, being blamed for my team losing, etc. At one point my mom signed me up for rhythmic gymnastics, which definitely helped me gain poise and balance, but I dreaded going — it was a little toxic in the way that dance and exercise programs aimed at young girls so often are, planting the seeds for body image issues that stick with you for years. I begged my mom to let me quit in high school and never took up any sports after that. In my 20s, going to the gym was a hell I forced myself to endure, the inner tape of my mind playing and replaying messages of self-hatred to make myself go faster, push harder, do more. Obviously, this was unsustainable. I was exhausted and angry with myself.
I realized recently that physical activity is something I need to develop a relationship with; it's not optional. Earlier this year I went to a few sessions of a physical therapy called structural integration. The practitioner explained that my life's "little aches and pains" is my body's way of telling me it's itching to be active. We evolved as endurance runners who hunted their prey by literally tiring it out. Of course my body starts to hurt and I start to feel depressed when I don't move. Going outside and moving your body actually makes you happy, who woulda thunk it.
This time, I'm not overdoing it at the gym. I walk there, stretch, then use the elliptical for 30-40 mins. If I have time, I'll do some arm exercises or floor exercises that I actually like. And I'm always watching something funny, so I can trick my brain into liking the gym by smiling/laughing, woman-alone-eating-salad-meme style. I also try to save all of the videos I want to watch for the gym.
My ego used to make me feel like I could get away with being a person who hated exercise forever, but at the end of the day my brain is just a silly little monkey's that can be tricked into happiness if you fill up all of my little green "need" bars.